I gave up my big girl job almost 2 yeas ago... Saying goodbye to some pretty toxic relationships and letting it all go. Great pay checks and all.... That decision was made after my first BGC. Since then I have been saying NO... So much. No, to job offers and things that were good... But, deep in my heart I knew were not the right match for me at this time in my life.
With Michael retiring, I did feel the need to help out a bit financially. That led me to opening my shop at the Urban Barn hoping that was the answer to the money issue....I actually made a bit of money, that was nice. BUT..... it became apparent that the barn was not what I wanted to be doing. I was working pretty much full time making my goodies to sell. That left me little time for anything else.
I gave up my space a few weeks ago. The day BEFORE I got a e-mail offering me a job that fits my heart so totally right.
I say it fits my heart.... Not so much my belief in my skill level.
Ever since I was a small child I have always been ashamed of my lack of knowledge in grammar.... Also, I can not spell... It is like my brain does not work that way.... Also the "tech" part of my brain... NOT SO MUCH! I am sure now days I would have been diagnosed with some kind of learning disorder...
The wonderfulness- (That has got to be a word).... of life is I found something that I did understand. The world of creating. Of quilting and doll making. Of knitting and cooking and gardening, of family, and bringing women together.
One day about two years ago.... I found the need for technology and my kind of creating to meet up ... ugh.... My Blog was born.... I should say with much suffering and tears.... So now I had way to meet others with the same love of tending to their lives as I had.
Which led me to BGC.
Which brings me to today and my job search. I have been on staff of BGC for almost a year. Attending each camp. (life changing in itself). But I was feeling that I was to fit in differently.... Since BGC is in Boise... It is a hard fit to say the least. I can't exactly be there everyday... or could I? I received a email from Kathy and Melody the founders of bgc.... Girls I love and believe in with my whole heart. And low and behold they offer me a job...Writing and working on my computer...
My worst nightmare.... Well almost!!!
As I was reading the e-mail from Kathy and Melody to my sweet Michael.. We both were thinking the same thing ..... This WAS ADDRESSED TO Me?
Yet- in my heart THIS is what I have been waiting for.... Just one thing was stoping me.... I decided to take a look at "it" ..... I took out my SHAME the same shame that I have carried around with me my whole adult life... I looked at it it, I felt it.... Then, I decided to put it where I could see it. Where you can see it. Instead of hiding it in a closet. I would let it be a teacher a healer instead of a garment that kept me bound in lies. You see, it's not that I can't write or spell or do "computers" that makes me want to hide... It is the shame that I feel .... And all that my shame is connected too. I have let that shame rule me so much of my life....
I believe in my dream of working side by side with women that believe in other women. I believe in bringing us all together. I believe that women can be dear and kind and smart and uplift each other. I believe that we can believe the best in each other. I believe we can change this world one Brave Girl at a time!
I said YES to it.... EVEN... if I have no idea how to do it.... Because I KNOW... this is it... It is not just a job... It is what I believed in. All my heartbreak and doors closing. Watching others saying Yes.... Wondering if I had somehow got it all wrong.... Saying NO... BELIEVING somehow somewhere waiting for this...I believe I will listen to my heart and follow it. I believe that my new "job" will unfold before me. I believe to do what I need to do in this job. I must bring all that I am EVEN my new teachers... That being me will be better than good enough. I believe I'm on the right path at this very moment in my life. I believe that it is time to let that shame go....
We have a saying at BGC... "SHE DID IT ANYWAY".... That is what I am going to do... I am going to do this anyway! Even if I'm scared. Even if I don't have everything I need at this time.. She did it anyway! Actually I have a little rule that I try and follow ... Instead of saying I'm scared.... I say I am so excited.....
I am going to believe in you. That you can see my heart, and that will be good enough for what is before me.
I am a girl that is doing it anyway.... AND.... I'm is so excited!
Please join me.... We can face our fears together.
With my whole heart!